Only 6 weeks into my 6 month long trip and I'm already struggling with what I'm going to do when it comes time to leave.
I'm in a very unusual situation in my life and having not experienced anything like this before I have no idea what to do, what I'm supposed to do and what I will eventually end up doing. Only a few months after I graduated from high school and completed my final exams I quit my job, packed my bags and left the only place I've known for the last 18 1/2 years of my life. That in itself was strange, no one in my family expected it to be me that decided to jet set around the world!
I've never done anything of significance without friends or family and while I was still living at home I was still just a kid. In school you're not taught practical things that make the transition from kid to adult easier. You don't learn how to drive unless your parents fork out the time and money, you're not taught how to vote, to do taxes, to make bank loans, to pay rent, to fill out important documents. All you're taught it that if you fail your exams you'll fail at life and that going to University is the right and proper thing to do. Well screw you Mr Education System, I didn't want to do that!
Willingly deciding to leave the comfort of home, deciding to leave the protection given by my parents, deciding to go it all alone was and still is the scariest and most intense thing I have ever done and it sometimes freaks me out that I've now reached that point in my life where I have to start seriously thinking about where I'm going to be and what I'm going to do in my future. I don't know if I like it.
Confusion time. I love the feeling of independence. I'm so happy and proud of myself for coming here. I'm absolutely loving it, so much so that I can't see myself going back to my old life, I can't see myself moving back to Australia for good. Being here makes me happy but being away from my family doesn't. This is where I get so confused on what I should do! I want to stay but I don't want to be so far away from my family. Not for their protection or sheltering, but because I love them too much. I can't imagine my life permanently living away from them. Why the heck did England have to colonise a country so bloody far away. Nice job England!
To make matters worse staying would be my mums worst nightmare. Leaving only for 6 months was hard enough for my mum to deal with, how am I supposed to tell her that I don't want to come home? But I do?! I want to see all my relatives that I miss terribly but I don't want to stay. But if I go back to Australia even just to visit I won't be able to afford to come back to the UK for a long time! That I can't handle either!
Life is so fucking complicated and no one teaches you that. You're shoved into the real world and you have no time to adjust. Why do I have to makes things so complicated?!
Hope you're having a lovely day :)